ANOTHER OWN GOAL FOR THE CRAZIES

Mike Witchell, columnist - 27 May 2005

A Level playing field. That's what the property companies always say they are looking for in prospective new development sites, so they must have been drooling at the bottom line when the Swans at long last quit Vetch Field.

But if they thought their goal of making a quick buck was within easy reach, they had reckoned without Swansea Council.

Far from unveiling a stunning new regeneration project for the old ground even as the roars died away after the very last match against Wrexham, instead there was a deafening silence from the crackpot coalition which runs the council cabinet, a silence every bit as deafening as those that used to follow an own goal of an altogether different stripe.

It was only this week - nearly three weeks later (who said time was money?) - that we were shocked to learn that there is nothing on the drawing board for the Vetch, let alone the masterplan we had been so eagerly anticipating from the visionaries who dreamed up the set for Carry on Slip Bridge.

No matter. Community-conscious as ever, the Worlds Apart Trust has commissioned top urban regeneration gurus fagpacketdesigns.com to create some exciting new concepts to give council leader Chris Holley and his buddies a helping hand.

This is what they came up with:

Vetch Field Urban Village
A unique new approach to 24-hour living in the 21st Century, the village comprises terraced homes - what else? - on four sides of an outdoor amenity area, or village green, which comes complete its very own Skylight security lighting system. Pity someone's stolen all the grass! Choose from a hat-trick of exclusive new house designs: the "Kenny Jackett" starter home, the "John Toshack" pre-fab - quick to put up, quick to come down - and the "Tony Petty" house of marked cards in the landmark East Tower with its New York-style loft apartments. With the Trundle's Head - er, sorry, Feet - the Trundle's Feet pub as the centrepiece of village life, it has to be a surefire winner.

V-Wing
Controversial it may be, but prisons are profit these days! And with a mass of new laws to defend our civil liberties - not to mention compulsory ID cards - promised by Tony Blair's newest of New Labour Governments, the notion of a larger penitentiary can hardly be a hard sell, except for the jailbirds, of course. Better still, it could push forward gender equality with one for the girls, as it were: Wales's first-ever women's prison. Another first for Swansea!

Parc Vetch
Still saddened by the demise of Castle Gardens? Then Parc Vetch is for you! Laid out along classical lines, with stands of trees and terraced gardens leading down to the evocative Cyril the Swan Lake overlooked by a piece of Swansea City heritage - the carefully conserved Harry Griffiths tea rooms from underneath the old Centre Stand - Parc Vetch would provide a green lung for our increasingly congested city. In your dreams.

Vetch Field Square
Now this is more like it, as well as being the cheapest of the various options. Building on the stunning success of the Castle Square makeover in the city centre, the square would be another eye-catching example of concrete art within a built environment. Simply demolish the stands, re-cement the terraces, add a couple of seats and a few planters - plus the world's most feeble fountain in the old centre circle - and there you are!And there we are. Unless, of course, the Crazy Gang decide to move the goalposts.

Did I hear someone say Asda?